So the other day my father went to court with my mother. I wish I could say this wasn’t something that happened regularly. But it kind of is. I don’t understand why my parents can’t handle being logical around each other. I don’t think they realize how much psychological damage they’ve caused everyone. Not just themselves, but me too. And god knows they both love me so much but I don’t think they realize just how much it affects me.

My father is so butt hurt over the marriage and that my mother got me. He hasn’t overcome the past and so now he’s stuck in this slump where his life revolves around hurting my mother and trying to win me over. He even has decided that money isn’t a problem with me, he’s willing to try to bribe me over. Plus, I got his stubborn genes so god knows I know just how horrifyingly stubborn he is and can hold grudges for eternity. He will NEVER get over this and it’s sad to know that. I know I hurt him on a regular basis because he KNOWS I prefer my mother and it kills him inside so sometimes he pretends we have a good relationship to show to court. It makes me cry just knowing how fucked up my father is and knowing that it is in fact partially my fault. My cousin told me that he was a good person until my mother had me. She said that she used to spend a lot of time with my father but when I was born he sort of lost it. He spent all of his time on Andrea and when I came around he didn’t spend nearly so much time on me, which she said is good because I’m clearly not as affected by his personality and genes as my sister, but still, after I was born, my mother’s marriage went to hell.

My mother is not only afraid of my father, but she thought that divorcing him would end all of her problems with him. She was so wrong though. I saw my father’s briefcase with his court stuff in it that he takes to work (I don’t even think he actually works at work, he probably just looks at court stuff trying to find a way to get me) and found four pages worth of court date reports. Since 2004, my parents have gone to court probably 30-40 times. And I can tell it’s taking its toll on my mother. She cries because of it. It really hurts to know the pain it’s causing her. Especially since I know she cares about me so much. She really would chop her hand off or take a bullet if it meant she were helping me in any way.

I blame myself for the shit my family is in.